Why do people lose “the spark” in relationships?
Long distances, contradicting schedules, or growing resentment are the reasons most couples lose their spark — otherwise known as chemistry or a particularly strong connection. But the reality is that even in a.perfect relationship, romance will dwindle if you’re not working on it.
Not enough quality time together and less focus on the relationship can leave you both feeling slightly unfulfilled, unappreciated, or worse, and unhappy.
12 Ways to keep the spark alive in a relationship
1. Communicate your needs
When difficult problems arise, you must make time so each of you has a chance to talk to each other about your feelings. The type of communication where you will both have a voice and commit to constructively discuss and work through your issues, both as individuals and as a couple.
It’s necessary to put all relevant facts and feelings on the table so you can lay out a strong foundation for communicating. If you want your partner to hear and respect your needs, you can only do this by creating an open dialogue. Communicating your needs with each other is critical and keeps your relationship healthy.
2. Ask something new every week
The first step in keeping the spark alive in a relationship is knowing what “the spark” means to you. It’s what makes you feel loved and appreciated is different from what makes your partner feel loved and appreciated, since we all have different feelings and love languages that means we also give and show love in different ways too.
Try to turn it into a fun game — at the beginning of every week, think about something super specific that you each have to work on for that week. You may plan a surprise date, bring home flowers one day, or compliment your looks. Maybe they’ll want more alone time with you or more positive feedback about their work. However, it may only be intended to last for a week, but actions will teach your partner not only what makes you feel loved, but how to make you feel loved. Doing something special once or twice, whether it’s planning a date night or complimenting the ~ striking ~ colour of your eyes, will turn into a habit.
3. Schedule intimacy dates
Both you and your partner work on making quality time for physical intimacy and ensure you find time in your busy schedules for weekly intimacy dates. Intimacy dates are organic experiences to foster physical connection in a relationship and it involves a little more than talking or touching. Intimacy dates do not have to end in physical intimacy. It’s a good idea to plan for them and pick locations where there are no distractions. The purpose of the intimacy dates is to keep your sexual relationship spark alive.
4. Try to impress each other
Remember those days when you used to dress up for them? You’d put on a full face of makeup just to watch a movie with his/her together in the beginning, or were your prettiest dress for a casual dinner date. Channel the same desire and intimacy to impress them and put in some effort to look and feel your best, whether it’s putting on body oil after a shower (doubles as self-care too!), or wearing a pair of high heels for a dinner date.
5. Don’t always blame your
In a relationship, frustration begins to fester when physical and emotional needs are not met. Often, instead of working together as a team to discover what lies at the heart of intimacy issues, destructive emotions such as blame and guilt badly hurt the relationship. It is easier for everyone to point the finger at your partner than to questioning how you contribute to the problem. In a relationship when you start blaming each other, reclaiming your passion for one another becomes even harder. Please keep in mind Intimacy is a collective experience shared by partners, not individuals.
6. Laughing together
Laughter may be the best medicine, but it’s also the best-kept secret to keeping the spark alive in a relationship.
Try to watch something that will make you both laugh and build up inside jokes as much as you care about building trust. Bring up funny memories, send memes true to your shared humour, and tease each other like how middle schoolers flirt. Life’s too short to take anything too seriously, especially when doing so kills your spark (also relevant Drake lyrics: “started from the bottom now we’re here.”
7. Initiate Intimacy
For a healthy relationship, it’s important to make your partner feel desirable. But unfortunately, we’ve seen people face difficulty initiating physical affection and intimacy with their partners either because of unresolved anger or out of fear of being rejected. The issue here is that this prevents them from putting energy and effort into this important area of their partnership. If you want to keep your relationship “alive” make sure your partner feels desired by you. Initiating intimacy reminds your partner about you are attracted to them and want to feel close and connected.
Make sure kissing is still a part of your relationship. I don’t mean kissing in general, I mean kissing that’s spontaneous and meaningful, like back in high school. Do not limit kissing to be just a means of saying hello and goodbye, or as a way to initiate intimacy. Kiss deeply and passionately when there’s no expectation or reason at all — when you’re heading out to dinner, in the middle of a conversation, or just to randomly remind them you love them.
9. Put your smartphone down
As nonchalant as an Instagram scroll might seem, consider every single minute you have together precious. Put away the phones when you’re having a meal, a conversation, or a good old fashioned binge-watching session. Stay present whenever you’re together, and for the love of When Harry Met Sally, stay off Candy Crush.
10. Make eye contact
Romance doesn’t have to be sparked through grand gestures or public displays of affection — intimacy happens in the little moments. Brain feels more connected with another person through eye contact.
When you’re talking, focus on making eye contact so your partner knows you’re listening and to better connect to you (again, put away the damn phone!) But also try to find the smaller moments you can make eye contact — when you’re in a crowded room or out at a party, try to lock eyes across the room (there’s a reason it’s a classic rom-com meet-cute!), or keep eye contact longer than you normally do in random situations (but not long enough that it gets all serial killer — 10 seconds of eye contact and a cute little smirk is plenty).
11. Make a change instead of hoping that your partner will do
If you want your partner to say or do something more romantic and special things, it can feel a lot like nagging if you are constantly asking them to give you more. Instead of asking all the time, think of how much more you can begin with your partner. Your partner will take notice of your extra effort and feel inspired to give some extra effort back. Be generous with affection, and if you love them unconditionally, prove it.
12. Try to do something new together
Whether you’re interested in travelling to a new place or break out of your normal habits. Trying something new will feel fun and exciting, and seeing your partner in a new environment will teach you things you never knew about them, and/or remind you why you fell in love with them in the first place. You may, in fact, just fall in love with your partner all over again… you’ve been warned!